The Hurlers

Here are the guys that are going to take the mound, and fun facts about them.

Dave Bush- changed his name from Dave Unkempt-Pubic-Region. He was conceived after a very confusing, and unprotected threesome.

Chris Capuano- This guy went to Duke. He wears Puca Shell Necklaces. He wears his jeans way too tight. He sends txt mssgs. He complains that he pitches too much yet gives up 5 in 3 and a 3rd. He'll tell you "this is the best part" of a movie 50 times in the same movie. He pops his collar and frosts his tips. Way too much Douchebaggery to like this guy.

Eric Gagne- He totally fucked Boston over in the 2nd half last year. I like him already.

Yovanni Gallardo- A pitching prospect that actually did what was advertised in the majors. He also will impregnate your sister. You won't care.

Zack Jackson- The big haul from the Lyle Overbay trade (he's the one that didn't get knocked the fuck out, or is the hot hand). Fuck him, he's not going to do shit except be a throw in.

Seth McClung- After the Enterprise stopped his father's plan to destroy a star, he has sworn revenge on Shatner.

Guillermo Mota- This is what we get for unloading that asshole that clogged the bases worst than the obstruction in John Goodman's bowel. Hey, it's a shitty reliever. Great.

Manny Parra- Did you know that Parra means climbing vine in Spanish. I also found out what pakistani beef jerkey
is. Good stuff

David Riske- Too. Many. Puns... It's. Sapping. My. Will. To. Live

Ben Sheets- Man, if this guy could just stay healthy, he might be the best pitcher in the NL. Then again, if Lindsay Lohan could stop doing blow and putting things in her birth canal, she might be a good actress.

Brian Shouse- Nedly doesn't know how to use this guy. He's a southpaw. Whoever came up with that term should be fucked in the pants. Seriously.

Mitch Stetter- I'm never mentioning this guy again, since he's too boring. Unless he fucks up a game. Then I'm going to call for his testicles in a jar.

Jeff Suppan- Officially, we know the price for mediocrity. It's 4 years, 42 Million.

Solomon Torres- Talk about taking one in the ass. Pittsburgh tells him that they'll rent his little league field if he signs a below market contract. Then renegs on the deal. Just shows you the class that is in that shit hole city. Hopefully they didn't use him up pitching him over 160 times in the last two years.

Derrick Turnbow- Stache' said that if he could cut down on his walks, he'd be a good pitcher. He also said that if Kim Kardashian didn't have a big ass and didn't fuck Ray-Jay on video tape, she'd might still be famous. Neither one is true.

Claudio Vargas- Not since Storm Davis has such a shitty pitcher compiled a better record.

Carlos Villanueva- Villy was born on November 28th, same day as Judd Nelson. I really think he was a pussy in the Breakfast Club.

Coming soon: Catchers and Outfielders