The Dead Period- time for a prospect report

There hasn't been any real Brewers news since we let Matt Wise go, so I think it's time to look at the Minor Leagues and see what we got coming up. I'll do it Baseball America Style, but with the good old Chubber Lang twist (and by old, I mean 2 weeks old since thats when I first brought the noise!).

Matt LaPorta

Background- Drafted 7th overall from Florida, he spent the majority of his career chasing some good Florida Poon, such as this:

He also played some baseball too, but I think you are still staring at the picture.

Strengths: Hitting the long ball, spraying the ball to all fields, work ethic, chasing poon, having 2 capital letters in last name, macrame.

Weaknesses: Strikeouts, hitting in Arizona, defense.

Outlook: He'll be the left fielder in '09, and perhaps even mid season this year if he can cut down the K's.

Manny Parra:

Background: Manny was drafted by the previous regime. He's a california boy, and pitched a perfect game in AAA this year. Good for him. He missed a couple years due to injury, but can still wing it up there with good speed and movement. You can just call him climbing vine, and he won't mind at all

Strengths: Mid 90's fastball, good curve and change, decent hitter, squinting.

Weaknesses: Parra has a hard time staying healthy. He had shoulder surgery in '05, broke his thumb while trying to bunt at the end of this year, and had his left leg severed off in a horrific gardening accident. Gardening is also a weakness of his, as demonstraded by his wooden leg.

Outlook: Assuming the Brewers move Cappy, Bush, or Vargas, Parra will compete for the 5th starter in Spring Training, and since he's a scorpio, he's determined and focused, yet jeolous and resentful. He'll also hit better than Jason Kendal.

Mat Gamel

Background: The Brewers found this guy working the salt mines of Florida while evaluating former Brewer prospect Darren Ford. He thanked the team with a Florida State League record 33 game hitting streak. But he also made a minor league leading 56 errors.

Strenghts: He can hit with the best of them. His developing power is right up there with his great batting eye. He also kinda looks like a young Tom Berringer. He can also mine salt with the best of them.

Weaknesses: He know's that one day he'll kinda look like an old Tom Berringer. He can't play defense, and Ryan Braun's gracing the Brewers with his presence means that Mat is blocked. He's very self conscious about the single T in his first name. It makes him feel like less of a man.

Outlook: If he can cut down on the errors, he'll be a valuable hitter to have. If he doesn't, he might become the peg boy in the mines again.

Jeremy Jeffress

Background: Jeffress is from South Boston, Virginia. Like another Southie, Will Hunting, he's trying to get passed childhood of abuse to make it. He does have the best arm in the system, striking out more than a batter per inning in the minors. But he does need help from Robin Williams, to get passed his problems.

Strengths: He's got high 90's heat, and can touch triple digits on the gun. He can also roll a mean blunt, as he's tested positive 4 times for marijuana.

Weaknesses: He doesn't have any memorable secondary pitches, and he's gonna be out for 50 games to start the season due to the suspension. He also can't stand Robin Williams, like the rest of us.

Outlook: As long as he can get his life back in order with the help of Minnie Driver, he'll be a hell of a pitcher one day.

Cole Gillespie

Background: Gillespie also has a rough childhood, as his father, Dizzie, was always disappointed that he didn't follow his footsteps into the Jazz Trumpet game. Cole rebeled and is now the shame of his family. Plus he can't do that weird looking cue ball in the cheeks thing.

Strengths: Plate discipline, defensive range, autograph collection featuring Louis Armstrong, Stan Getz, and Charlie Parker.

Weaknesses: Not a lot of power, noodle-armed nancy boy, breaks down into tears everytime someone plays Digital at Montreaux, 1980.

Outlook: With LaPorta reportedly the future in Left, Gillespie will have to find his fortune either with another team, as a 4th outfielder, or with his mad trombone skills that he's been secretly hiding all these years.

Brant Brewer

Background: Brewer is as talented as it gets when it comes to physical tools. He passed up Florida State to take a $600,000 bonus. Let's review this choice:

Not the best call Brant.

Strengths: He is the best athelete in the system. He has tools galore, including the rare 2.75 inch box wood planer from Matheson and Son from the 1870s. Not really useful, but still, he can hit, run, and steal with the best of them.

Weaknesses: Brewer is not a good baseball player. Yes he can steal bases, but he struck out 170 times last year, and made 46 errors. Plus, he really regrets not being able to view the ladies above in person.

Outlook: The sky is the limit for this kid, but he could not develop at all, which means passing on that scholarship to the seminoles might bite him in the ass. Or he could become the next Javon Walker. You never know.

Alicides Escobar

Background: Cleverly cleaned up, by some Columbian tomfoolery. Just watch out.

Strengths: This kid has a wicked glove, and mad connections. You need 5 Kilos, he's gotcha covered. Just make sure you have his money.

Weaknesses: He has no plate discapline. He also has no power. Looks like a Neifi Perez clone to me, which you do not want on your team.

Outlook: I've got 3 mean looking hairy guys holding a machete to my neck, so he'll be a STAR!!!

Thats enough for now. I'll check back in when there is more to report