Lineup Breakdown- What should be

It always amazes me that Kevin Pollack is that short. Anyway, I think it's a good enough time with all positions filled that we get to the lineup. This is what should be.

1. Rickie Weeks, 2B- Joe Sheehan just picked Rickie to be his 2nd best candidate to break out this year. Joe Sheehan also said the Texas Rangers ('07 record 75-87) would be the 4th best team in baseball. He's also rumored to be a Cubs fan. So fuck Joe Sheehan, but thanks for the good news.

2. Hungry Eyes, SS- Had a huge year, mostly because the pitchers don't stare into the sky like Fernando Valenzuela. They look in and get distracted by his good looks. I believe it was Zack Duke who said, "I suck because I'd totally go gay for J.J."

3. The Razor, LF- I think the Tigers, Yankees, and Marlins have better 3-slot hitters. However, no one has a more Chosen one. Hell, he could kill my messiah anytime (Don't get pissy with me about this, I'm Jewish too, and yes, I know it was the Romans).

4. Chubsy, 1B- How long until he needs the lap band just to keep playing? Who cares as long as he keeps hitting 50 dongs for the next 4 years until Boras rips out our hearts and takes him to a market where someone will pay him what he actually is worth.

5. 80's pop star, RF- I'm really liking this so far. Corey is easily going to drive in 100, and score 100. He's also working on his follow up to 1998's Jade. God was that horrible.

6. Generically named Third Baseman, 3B- He didn't respond well to his move to being the Generically named Center Fielder. This coming year, he's going back to the infield. My big concern is that he was a 1 year wonder, and I hope he'll change his name to something worth mentioning as well. The only anagram you can get from it is Ball Hill
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7. Speed Freak, CF- He'll be back in may, until then we'll have HOF Jr. putting up a good .275/.325/.350 line. Then he'll be moved down to Triple A and we'll have the greatness of Joe Dillon, Gabe Kapler (another chosen person) and Gabe Gross taking ABs from more deserving players. God I hate Nedly.

8. Jason Kendall, C- You thought Tony Gwynn Jr was depressing, the best we can expect from this guy is a .300/.370/.375 line. I give it until June 1st before 'Stache makes a move to get something. We do have an assload of usable starters to ship...

So that's what should be the lineup. Here's some facts about the 40 man

- Corey Hart, Seth McClung and Guillermo Mota are the tallest players at 6'6". It should be noted that if you ask them how the weather is up there, they will spit on you and say, "wet."

- Brian Shouse and Solomon Torres are the shortest at 5'11". Shouse is also going to be turning 40, thus making him the oldest. Craig Counsell would be the 2nd oldest if he wasn't dead, as he has been for the past 2 seasons.

- No Brewer position player is shorter than 6'.

- Alcides Escobar is the lightest (with the exception of Craig Counsell's rotting corpse) at 165.

- Chubsy and Seth McClung (known from here on out as Son of Clung, a star trek villain) are the largest at 260. He was also the largest "listed" player last year with Ray King listed at 240. Give me a fucking break. Let's take a look at Ray King.

C'mon. The guy is pushing 3 bills. I will refer to him from here on out as Biscuit, since he is a biscuit short of 350.

- There are 8 guys on the team who bat left and throw righty, including catcher Eric Munson who would make an excellent platoon partner with Jason Kendall. And by platoon partner, I mean get kendall out from behind that fucking plate.

- There isn't a single Rickey Henderson who bats right, throws left, and refers to himself exclusively in the third person. See David Cross's routine for the perfect take on it. "Pick up the phone Rickey."

- Pitcher Tim Dillard is a switch hitter. This means nothing since all he'd be for us is a reliever. Or a trade throw in.

- In addition to being the lightest, Escobar is also the youngest. He just turned 21, and received his trust fund from a Panamanian Bank protected from the Noriega bank raids of the early 90s. If I say anymore, a Dignity Battalian will come and beat the crap outta me.

- The pitchers outweigh the hitters 4235 lbs to 4100. Thats the difference of about a half a Son of Clung. His name is actually Kagor, and he is from his mom's previous marriage. He chose to follow his step father as opposed to his brother into baseball. He currently is near Coddington's Nebula planning his next evil move. It was named after Boyd Coddingtong of Dicovery Channel's American Hot Rod who is currently in a war with Chip Foose, star of TLC's Overhaulin'. TLC is also the home of Trading Spaces which gave rise to the star of Extreme Home Make Over star and Bayer Asprin whore Ty Pennington. And that is how you play Six Degrees of Ty Pennington ladies and gentlemen.

- Tim Dillard also has the highest assigned uniform number at 78. This means there is no way in hell he's going to make the club.

- Now that Calix Crabbe is gone, the coolest name in the system is Helena's Zelous Wheeler, who was only 2 of 3 in SB attempts this past season.