FOUND: a Hitter Worse Than Jason Kendal

I haven't posted lately, but that's because there isn't shit going on right now. We invited Abraham Nunez to camp, and signed him to a minor league contract. The only stock photo the JS could find on him would be him making an out. Like this:

He's good at defense, and making outs. Thats it.

Let's go over what else has happened:

Jeff Suppan opened a resturant. I really don't care at all. It's just an excuse for idiots to blame if he sucks.

The Crew and Dave Bush are closer to a contract. I've always thought he was some form of lumberjack serial killer. Oh well, he's either going to be traded or go to the bullpen anyway.

The Brewers will be on Fox Saturday Baseball four times this season. This just means I won't be able to watch them on MLB.TV

Corey Koskie wants to
play baseball again. Good luck to him. I wonder if he'll still look like a meth addict.


All of this is not worth commenting more than 2 sentences. God, I miss some actual baseball news.

You think the Brewers actually have a shot in arbitration against these eyes?

C'mon man, 2.4 million. Get out of here with that piddly ass bullshit. You actually think that 2.4 million is worth the shit I do for this franchise? I outhit Miguel Fucking Tejada last year. He's going to make 13 this coming season. I am way better than that pussy.

Speaking of pussy, why do you think all the quality tang comes on down to the park huh? It ain't so they can compare cup sizes with Son of Clung that chubby mother fucker. It's these babies right here.


Hell, I cause a tsunami of vaginal moisture that can flood the Fox River Valley the moment the flash these babies on the scoreboard. Why the hell do you think carpet cleaners in the area have been flying off the shelves? The reason I only asked for 3.05 million is because you need the extra 450 thousand for the labor and mops to clean up that shit. You can make that money back easily with the Bounty sponsorship dollars I'm gonna be bringing in. Check out the commercial:

[Husband] Honey, why is there a puddle on the floor?

[Wife] Sorry sweetie, I just saw JJ Hardy on the TV and couldn't help it. It was like Niagra falls in my nether regions.

[Husband] So are you going to take care of it, or am I going to have to bust out the Rubber Hose agian?

[Wife] Don't worry, we have this-
[Wife] Bounty's quilts absorb messes like when Timmy knocks over his juice, or I get a little too excited about that ridiculously gorgeous Short Stop.

[Husband] I'm just glad you and I both have a passion for sports. Thank goodness for Bounty.

[Voice-over] Bounty, JJ Hardy proofing Southeast Wisconsin floors since 2005


Yeah, how do you like that shit, huh? I can see Bissell, Hoover, So-Dri, and Viva signing on. Have you seen AstroGlide's new slogan? "AstroGlide, when you can't find a picture of JJ Hardy." You'll be printing money with these babies.

2.4 million. Shit. You better hope the arbiter isn't gay, or a woman. You got no shot then Dougie. It'll be over before you can say 786 OPS.

Lineup Breakdown- What should be

It always amazes me that Kevin Pollack is that short. Anyway, I think it's a good enough time with all positions filled that we get to the lineup. This is what should be.

1. Rickie Weeks, 2B- Joe Sheehan just picked Rickie to be his 2nd best candidate to break out this year. Joe Sheehan also said the Texas Rangers ('07 record 75-87) would be the 4th best team in baseball. He's also rumored to be a Cubs fan. So fuck Joe Sheehan, but thanks for the good news.

2. Hungry Eyes, SS- Had a huge year, mostly because the pitchers don't stare into the sky like Fernando Valenzuela. They look in and get distracted by his good looks. I believe it was Zack Duke who said, "I suck because I'd totally go gay for J.J."

3. The Razor, LF- I think the Tigers, Yankees, and Marlins have better 3-slot hitters. However, no one has a more Chosen one. Hell, he could kill my messiah anytime (Don't get pissy with me about this, I'm Jewish too, and yes, I know it was the Romans).

4. Chubsy, 1B- How long until he needs the lap band just to keep playing? Who cares as long as he keeps hitting 50 dongs for the next 4 years until Boras rips out our hearts and takes him to a market where someone will pay him what he actually is worth.

5. 80's pop star, RF- I'm really liking this so far. Corey is easily going to drive in 100, and score 100. He's also working on his follow up to 1998's Jade. God was that horrible.

6. Generically named Third Baseman, 3B- He didn't respond well to his move to being the Generically named Center Fielder. This coming year, he's going back to the infield. My big concern is that he was a 1 year wonder, and I hope he'll change his name to something worth mentioning as well. The only anagram you can get from it is Ball Hill
.
7. Speed Freak, CF- He'll be back in may, until then we'll have HOF Jr. putting up a good .275/.325/.350 line. Then he'll be moved down to Triple A and we'll have the greatness of Joe Dillon, Gabe Kapler (another chosen person) and Gabe Gross taking ABs from more deserving players. God I hate Nedly.

8. Jason Kendall, C- You thought Tony Gwynn Jr was depressing, the best we can expect from this guy is a .300/.370/.375 line. I give it until June 1st before 'Stache makes a move to get something. We do have an assload of usable starters to ship...

So that's what should be the lineup. Here's some facts about the 40 man

- Corey Hart, Seth McClung and Guillermo Mota are the tallest players at 6'6". It should be noted that if you ask them how the weather is up there, they will spit on you and say, "wet."

- Brian Shouse and Solomon Torres are the shortest at 5'11". Shouse is also going to be turning 40, thus making him the oldest. Craig Counsell would be the 2nd oldest if he wasn't dead, as he has been for the past 2 seasons.

- No Brewer position player is shorter than 6'.

- Alcides Escobar is the lightest (with the exception of Craig Counsell's rotting corpse) at 165.

- Chubsy and Seth McClung (known from here on out as Son of Clung, a star trek villain) are the largest at 260. He was also the largest "listed" player last year with Ray King listed at 240. Give me a fucking break. Let's take a look at Ray King.

C'mon. The guy is pushing 3 bills. I will refer to him from here on out as Biscuit, since he is a biscuit short of 350.

- There are 8 guys on the team who bat left and throw righty, including catcher Eric Munson who would make an excellent platoon partner with Jason Kendall. And by platoon partner, I mean get kendall out from behind that fucking plate.

- There isn't a single Rickey Henderson who bats right, throws left, and refers to himself exclusively in the third person. See David Cross's routine for the perfect take on it. "Pick up the phone Rickey."

- Pitcher Tim Dillard is a switch hitter. This means nothing since all he'd be for us is a reliever. Or a trade throw in.

- In addition to being the lightest, Escobar is also the youngest. He just turned 21, and received his trust fund from a Panamanian Bank protected from the Noriega bank raids of the early 90s. If I say anymore, a Dignity Battalian will come and beat the crap outta me.

- The pitchers outweigh the hitters 4235 lbs to 4100. Thats the difference of about a half a Son of Clung. His name is actually Kagor, and he is from his mom's previous marriage. He chose to follow his step father as opposed to his brother into baseball. He currently is near Coddington's Nebula planning his next evil move. It was named after Boyd Coddingtong of Dicovery Channel's American Hot Rod who is currently in a war with Chip Foose, star of TLC's Overhaulin'. TLC is also the home of Trading Spaces which gave rise to the star of Extreme Home Make Over star and Bayer Asprin whore Ty Pennington. And that is how you play Six Degrees of Ty Pennington ladies and gentlemen.

- Tim Dillard also has the highest assigned uniform number at 78. This means there is no way in hell he's going to make the club.

- Now that Calix Crabbe is gone, the coolest name in the system is Helena's Zelous Wheeler, who was only 2 of 3 in SB attempts this past season.

Looks like the Stashe has no problem with Mike Cameron

The Brewers decided this speed freak is going to be our Center Fielder. He's a 20/20 guy and hits .250, because who doesn't need mediocrity. In addition, he won't be playing until May because of his 25 game amphetamine suspension. Now what's wrong taking down a red bull, other than it tastes horribly, unless you like sweet tarts. Those truly were the nastiest tasting candy outside of Circus Peanuts. Seriously, do you know anyone that actually enjoyed Circus Peanuts? Those were just ridiculously nauseating.

Anyway, this means generically named center fielder is now going to be our generically named third baseman, and the Razor is going to be shagging flies in left. But really, what does this mean for the future. We seem to be grooming ridiculously talented batting Matt LaPorta for left, and then where do we move Braun? He does have the arm for right, but that's where our 80's pop star resides. Do we move him to center? The Stashe has just made the future a bit cloudier. But at least we don't have a below average player in the actual field. Except Jason Kendal, because, you know, he sucks goat nuts.

[UPDATE: LaPorta is coming to Major League Spring Training, and switching to Right.]

You know you make me wanna SHOUSE

The lefty known as Brian "DON'T FUCKING PUT ME IN AGAINST RIGHTYs" Shouse has avoided arbitration and signed a 1 year, $2 million contract. For those who don't know how arbitration works, the two sides, player and team sit down with an arbiter. The player says, "I did this, this, and this, so I'm worth this." The team then says, "Fuck You! You didn't do this, this, and this, so you are going to get the pittance we damn well feel you deserve." And then the arbiter decides for the team and the player decides on cities he would rather die in when he finally reaches free agency. Oh, and then they live happily ever after.

Brewers not getting Da Jesus

According to the Stache, the Brewers will not be getting DeJesus. Just as well. We want to keep our 8 year olds safe, Dude. 8 year olds.

In other news, Bert Blyleven, Andre Dawson, and Jim Rice did not make the Hall of Fame yet again. Strangely enough, someone thought enough of Shawon Dunston to give him a HOF vote. This is the same Shawon Dunston who never hit over.300, who had a career .296 OBP, and most of all, made his name as a Cub bench player. But hey, he's good enough for the HOF accourding to one fucking moron.

The Dead Period- time for a prospect report

There hasn't been any real Brewers news since we let Matt Wise go, so I think it's time to look at the Minor Leagues and see what we got coming up. I'll do it Baseball America Style, but with the good old Chubber Lang twist (and by old, I mean 2 weeks old since thats when I first brought the noise!).

Matt LaPorta

Background- Drafted 7th overall from Florida, he spent the majority of his career chasing some good Florida Poon, such as this:

He also played some baseball too, but I think you are still staring at the picture.

Strengths: Hitting the long ball, spraying the ball to all fields, work ethic, chasing poon, having 2 capital letters in last name, macrame.

Weaknesses: Strikeouts, hitting in Arizona, defense.

Outlook: He'll be the left fielder in '09, and perhaps even mid season this year if he can cut down the K's.

Manny Parra:

Background: Manny was drafted by the previous regime. He's a california boy, and pitched a perfect game in AAA this year. Good for him. He missed a couple years due to injury, but can still wing it up there with good speed and movement. You can just call him climbing vine, and he won't mind at all

Strengths: Mid 90's fastball, good curve and change, decent hitter, squinting.

Weaknesses: Parra has a hard time staying healthy. He had shoulder surgery in '05, broke his thumb while trying to bunt at the end of this year, and had his left leg severed off in a horrific gardening accident. Gardening is also a weakness of his, as demonstraded by his wooden leg.

Outlook: Assuming the Brewers move Cappy, Bush, or Vargas, Parra will compete for the 5th starter in Spring Training, and since he's a scorpio, he's determined and focused, yet jeolous and resentful. He'll also hit better than Jason Kendal.

Mat Gamel

Background: The Brewers found this guy working the salt mines of Florida while evaluating former Brewer prospect Darren Ford. He thanked the team with a Florida State League record 33 game hitting streak. But he also made a minor league leading 56 errors.

Strenghts: He can hit with the best of them. His developing power is right up there with his great batting eye. He also kinda looks like a young Tom Berringer. He can also mine salt with the best of them.

Weaknesses: He know's that one day he'll kinda look like an old Tom Berringer. He can't play defense, and Ryan Braun's gracing the Brewers with his presence means that Mat is blocked. He's very self conscious about the single T in his first name. It makes him feel like less of a man.

Outlook: If he can cut down on the errors, he'll be a valuable hitter to have. If he doesn't, he might become the peg boy in the mines again.

Jeremy Jeffress

Background: Jeffress is from South Boston, Virginia. Like another Southie, Will Hunting, he's trying to get passed childhood of abuse to make it. He does have the best arm in the system, striking out more than a batter per inning in the minors. But he does need help from Robin Williams, to get passed his problems.

Strengths: He's got high 90's heat, and can touch triple digits on the gun. He can also roll a mean blunt, as he's tested positive 4 times for marijuana.

Weaknesses: He doesn't have any memorable secondary pitches, and he's gonna be out for 50 games to start the season due to the suspension. He also can't stand Robin Williams, like the rest of us.

Outlook: As long as he can get his life back in order with the help of Minnie Driver, he'll be a hell of a pitcher one day.

Cole Gillespie

Background: Gillespie also has a rough childhood, as his father, Dizzie, was always disappointed that he didn't follow his footsteps into the Jazz Trumpet game. Cole rebeled and is now the shame of his family. Plus he can't do that weird looking cue ball in the cheeks thing.

Strengths: Plate discipline, defensive range, autograph collection featuring Louis Armstrong, Stan Getz, and Charlie Parker.

Weaknesses: Not a lot of power, noodle-armed nancy boy, breaks down into tears everytime someone plays Digital at Montreaux, 1980.

Outlook: With LaPorta reportedly the future in Left, Gillespie will have to find his fortune either with another team, as a 4th outfielder, or with his mad trombone skills that he's been secretly hiding all these years.

Brant Brewer

Background: Brewer is as talented as it gets when it comes to physical tools. He passed up Florida State to take a $600,000 bonus. Let's review this choice:

Not the best call Brant.

Strengths: He is the best athelete in the system. He has tools galore, including the rare 2.75 inch box wood planer from Matheson and Son from the 1870s. Not really useful, but still, he can hit, run, and steal with the best of them.

Weaknesses: Brewer is not a good baseball player. Yes he can steal bases, but he struck out 170 times last year, and made 46 errors. Plus, he really regrets not being able to view the ladies above in person.

Outlook: The sky is the limit for this kid, but he could not develop at all, which means passing on that scholarship to the seminoles might bite him in the ass. Or he could become the next Javon Walker. You never know.

Alicides Escobar

Background: Cleverly cleaned up, by some Columbian tomfoolery. Just watch out.

Strengths: This kid has a wicked glove, and mad connections. You need 5 Kilos, he's gotcha covered. Just make sure you have his money.

Weaknesses: He has no plate discapline. He also has no power. Looks like a Neifi Perez clone to me, which you do not want on your team.

Outlook: I've got 3 mean looking hairy guys holding a machete to my neck, so he'll be a STAR!!!

Thats enough for now. I'll check back in when there is more to report