So You Say You Want A Resolution...

It's New Year's Eve, so it's time for the Brewers to reflect and make resolutions for 2008. I have procured the list of their thoughts, and in a CLR exclusive, here is the list of resolutions:

Doug Melvin- Throw more money at relievers/mustache wax manufacturers

Gord Ash- Four Words: Hair Club For Men

Ned Yost- Git sum managin' lessons

Chubsy- More Homers=More Hams, so more homers (and a .290 average would be nice)

The Razor- Get rid of lead glove, get more $ for semitic good looks

Hungry Eyes (aka the dreamy shortstop)- stop looking at Ned during pitching changes so he
doesn't get distracted and fall in love with me for the 50th time.

Rickie- get Y at end of name, and perhaps hit .265

80s Pop Star- finally give in to pressure and make Sunglasses at Night or Never Surrender the bumper music for ABs. Also, become "hot hand" so Ned never takes me out.

Generically named CF- actually earn contract

TBA LF- Hit .275/.360/.490... and don't look into JJ Hardy's eyes while shagging fly balls. Don't want to get hurt

Jason Kendal- start channeling Gary Carter... Step 1- grow Gheri Curl, Step 2- ???, Step 3- Profit!!!

Ben Sheets Toga Party- Get passed chronic vaginitis and actually pitch 25 fucking games.

Yovanni Gallardo- Keep being awesome, sleep with the Lazer's sister (fucker... but it's cool). Also, Mark Rodgers is a bitch.

Jeff Suppan- Pitch better than Carlos fucking Silva, 2 million more than me, fuck him.

Dave Bush- Live up to fantasy hype, pitch good in actuallity.

Carlos Villanueva- get actual shot to show I'm a good 4th starter.

Manny Parra- out perform Mike Jones (same resolution since '01). Earn spot on team.

Chris Capuano- earn spot for new team, bring back LF in return for me

Eric Gagne- Get last out of World Series v. Boston. Fuck Boston. Keep growing awesomist goatee ever

Derrick Turnbow- Bring down walk rate... HAHAHA just kidding, hit guy in on-deck circle on actual in game pitch. Also, I'm gonna keep the chin.

Brian Shouse- Tattoo "I'M A FUCKING LEFTY" on forehead for Ned to see

David Riske- Earn contract, also change last name to Danger so those damn puns can stop

Guillermo Mota- Take huge shit on Shea Stadium mound, except literally this time. Also be the ROOGY (Righty One Out Guy for those who don't know) I was born to be.

Solomon Torres- Kill Dave Littlefield, and pitch another 90 games of sub 2.75 ERA baseball

Those are all that matter. I'm not going to get into guys that won't have much impact on the season... then again, knowing Ned, there is a backup not on this list he'll play 50 games just because he's a dick like that. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Make sure you have a designated driver, or cab, or rickshaw.

If No One Asked You to Pay, Then Shut The F-CK Up

I'm in a position where I deal with a lot of sports fans. One of the most frequent complaints I get is about pricing. Yet the pricing I get the most complaints about is not even for the sport I deal with. There is a new stadium going up in my town, and the owner is selling seat licenses at $50,000 for the best seats in the house. I can't really say this is a bad thing because a lot of people who are saying no to that are saying yes to my team, thus making me more money. But what I can't stand is when people who obviously have not been to a game in 10 years whining about it.

First off, you aren't going to the games, so what the fuck right do you have to complain about it? Seriously, if you don't want to pay it, then don't pay it. I never understood why people bitch about the owner when you do nothing to put money in his pocket. My uncle once told me, "I don't like the stadium tax because they didn't ask me." I guess I missed when you were elected to the legislature. It's called Representative Democracy. Perhaps you should retake a fucking civics course. Also, if you really want to bitch about the extra dollar you have to drop when you spend $1000, then by all means. But make sure you hire that string quartette, so someone could actually give a shit.

Secondly, cock smoker, why do you think I want to hear it? It's a safe assumption that you've never felt a connection to anything outside of your own penis, or that 6 year old you have chained up in the basement. I doubt you even golf. You just find pleasure in complaining about every little thing and tell people how to spend their money. Here's a novel concept, Sports fans actually put their money where their mouth is. They care about the fortunes of their team. And they are willing to show up and show their support or displeasure. That's why they have a right to boo. You do not, since you are just a douche with an ugly fucking sweater complaining about how the owner is a fucking criminal.

Go drink your fucking Tab, take your Enzyte in case the wife wants to make love in the next year, and shut the fuck up. Fucking asshole.

Instructional League Update

Where the hell is everybody? I know Spring Training is still 2 and a half months away, but still, there is work to be done. Shouldn't we be getting ready. Thank God Jessie Levis was here to let me in. I am gonna give it to you all tomorrow. L'Chiam

The Obligatory Xmas Post

Everyone must have a post that celebrates Xmas. You know, being Jewish, I'm supposed to not like it, but I do enjoy some elements of the holiday. Here's the list:

Drinking Hot Alcohol- Apple jacks, hot toddies, warm brandy, Irish coffee, hot buttered rum, British style Guiness, mead wine, it's all awesome. There is nothing better than warming yourself and getting hammered. It's a short term solution everyone can appreciate.

Spending time with your family- You know, they are alright. Especially when tore up about hot booze. Plus I now have a niece and nephew (in-law), and teaching them how to fart on cue is something I'm looking very much forward to.

Appetizers- When your relatives can cook, it's the best thing in the world. All sorts of cheese and pastry. It's not just slicing up a summer sausage and a block of sharp cheddar (damnit mom, I feel so deprived).

Egg Nog- A lot of people don't like egg nog. To them I say, "Fuck off, haters." It's one of the most delectable beverages you can have. As Dave Attell said, "You know, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes."

Watching people shop- I personally like shopping, because I'm very efficient. I get a sales person, if they don't have what I want, fuck them. If they do, good, you get the commission. But it's fun to watch people get frazzled. No, foot locker won't have your Nintendo Wii for your bastard child. I also love those couples that you can tell just got done fighting in the parking lot, and not talking to each other, but you can see they hate the shit out of each other. It's a thing of beauty.

Making fun of Christmas Songs- Hey Band Aid (first off, nice fucking name. You think you could get anymore punny or obvious?), of course there is no snow in Africa this Christmas. It's in the fucking Southern Hemisphere. It's fucking summer there right now. Plus the majority of the continent is hot. Stupid fucks.

And fucking Christmas Shoes. NewSong came out with this piece of shit in 2002, and you can't fucking escape it. I'll go through the story in case you haven't been forced to listen to the radio in the past 5 years. A kid's mom is dying, and he doesn't have enough money to buy her a pretty pair of shoes. He starts begging, and some sap from NewSong ponies up the cash. Isn't Christmas the time where we don't depress the shit out of each other? Besides, I personally think he used it for smack.

Anyway, let me get this straight. Your poor mom is dying, and you think a pair of shoes which will probably dig into her feat making them uncomfortable will cheer her up. Secondly, when she dies, do you really think she wears what she died in to go to heaven. When she meets Jesus, she'll be poking some holes in some clouds with those damn shoes. It's ridiculous, and depressing as fuck.


So for X-mas, we got an interview with Bill Hall about what he likes about X-mas. My fiance' just pointed out how funny it is to be depressed since there is no Brewers news in like, a week. You got your DVR to record your court shows, I don't want to hear it. I want some real fucking moves damnit. Anyway, here's the interview. Have a great holidays everyone.

The off season moves graded by Hams

It's time for a review of all of the Brewers off-season moves. They will be graded on a 1-5 ham scale, in honor of Prince's reward for every home run he hits.

Traded Johnny Estrada for Guillermo Mota
Was this really an improvement? I know Mota throws (more likely past tense threw) hard, but he did melt down late in the season. And later, the Mets non-tendered Estrada, so basically they just stuck us with Mota's contract. Now he could bounce back to '03 form, but he's been getting progressively worse since then. Now he could be a ROOGY, but more likely, he'll just suck. But then again, we got rid of our base-clogging, first pitch swinging, can't throw anyone out, clubhouse asshat of a catcher, so it's not too bad.

Rating:



Signed Jason Kendal:
So we get rid of our suck ass catcher, only to bring in a guy who's actually worse? What kind of glue was Melvin sniffing? Seriously, this guy is worse than Neifi Perez, he's not even good at defense. Didn't we make fun of the scrubs for picking this guy up last year? Man, what a horrible move.

Rating:
And it's week old ham.


Traded Marino Salas and Kevin Roberts for Solomon Torres:
So we give up 2 minor leaguers for an actually good pitcher at a below market contract? See, Pittsburgh basically made Torres sit down and watch 2 girls 1 cup on this one. They said, "Sure, we'll rent out your field in the shithole country you live in." Then they don't do it. What a fuck you to your work horse. How many losing seasons do they have in a row? Business like this is why.

Rating:


Signed David Riske to a 3-year deal
I have a theory that set-up men's performance are like sine waves. Riske is a perfect example. Just check out his year by year performance: '01- Out of this world amazing, '02- Blew goats, '03- Pretty fucking great, '04- Not terrible, but just good, '05- Just good, '06- pretty much the same as '04, '07- Back to pretty fucking great. My guess is we may see him blow goats again, but then thats just me waiting for palindromes.

Rating:


Signed Eric Gagne to a 1 year deal

I like the fact that he sucked in Boston in the second half. I guess I just don't like Boston because I can envision them being the white people in the Dave Chappelle Racial Draft skit holding up the sign, "we're so cool, we're white!" Will Leitch had a great piece on why no one should root for the Sawx on the New York Times website. No, that was not a shameless plug to get linked, but hey, couldn't hurt. Someone might actually read this. Thanks for the support, honey. Anyway, Gagne won't be that bad, but if he's Texas good, the Brewers will be very very happy.

Rating:


And now, the ratings of the guys we let go:

Francisco Cordero:
So he was a damn good closer, and pretty much didn't want to be here. But making us think Turnbow was going to be the closer for about a month and a half? That was something I couldn't take. Plus he signed with the Reds, which is wonderful that we still get to see him 18-20 times next year, and that we only get their 2nd round pick.

Rating:
Just because we got Gagne

Scott Linebrink:
We gave up our 2nd best pitching prospect for a reliever who is no longer elite, just good. But hey, we got the White Sox 2nd rounder... great. Bad trade, but I'm glad we're not over paying for him, just Mota, and Gagne, and probably Riske, and Suppan, and Kendal...

Rating:
For letting him go.

Johnny Estrada:
Apparently he was Santorum in the clubhouse and behind the plate, and just shit at it. Fuck him then.

Rating:


Geoff Jenkins:
This would be a bigger loss if he wasn't misused for the past 2 years, but he still pissed me off. Good luck in Philly.

Rating:
For not living up to his hype in that 1998 Brewers preview from SI. I remember Jinx.

Kevin Mench:
If anyone signs this guy, I'll be shocked. Then again, I was shocked that we signed Kendal.

Rating:
Bye Shrek. Don't let the door hit you in the giant fucking head on the way out.

Matt Wise:
We let this guy go and kept Mota. I suppose he's been ineffective after planting a ball in that guy on the Reds' face. But still, we kept Mota.

Rating:
He signed a smaller deal with the Mets. Fucking Mota.

And thats how I rate the Brewers performance thus far in the off-season.

Average Rating:


That's 3.27 hams, an above average Rating

Old guys in young guys clothing

The review of the organization continues, I'm gonna do the coaching staff and Ned.

Ted Simmons- I love Ted Simmons. He always was thinking about 3 or 4 pitches in advance. He is Dick Cheyney to Ned's G-Dub

Ed Sedar- I nothing this guy

Dale Sveum- Here's a great idea. Let's put one of the worst infield defenders in history in charge of infield defense. This is the kind of thinking you get with Ned.

Jim Skaalen- Fix Rickie, then we'll talk

Mike Maddux- The one year fix king. Fix turnbow again, then you can be Saint Mike again.

Bill Castro- I'm not sure who he has naked pictures of, but he's lasted through the Bando, Taylor, and Melvin administrations. My guess is Bud.

Marcus Hanel- since when is a bullpen catcher a coach?

Joe Crawford- Here's the AV club.

Nedly- I have a host of problems with Ned. 1) If you are going to platoon, then platoon. Don't put guys who can't hit lefties/righties against their respective weakness. 2) Play the best player, not the "hot hand." 3) Don't put Brian Shouse in again rightys. 4) If a guy doesn't have it, pull him.

Among others.

Next up, a review of off-season moves on a 1-5 hams scale.

These guys love dirt- the Infielders

Finishing up the list. enjoy

Ryan Braun- I would so let this guy sleep with my sister. Not only is he Jewish (which my parents would love), but he also hits the balls harder than Jessica Simpson on (insert random celebrity man here). This guy's exploits puts Ed Hochuli to shame.

Craig Counsell- I don't think you can get scrawnier than this guy. I think he was on I Love New York 2 (sub-title: the Pelvic Inflamatory Disease connection) as cheesy. He's turning 38 this year, and looks 12.

Joe Dillon- see Gross, Gabe. Yost will bench someone good for a couple games of a hot bat and 3 weeks of nothing production.

Alcedis Escobar- a good defensive replacement who hasn't played beyond Double-A. He's still 22, but the only reason he's on the 40 man roster is so that no one took him in the rule 5 draft. Would that be that bad of a thing? Do we really need the next Neifi Perez?

Prince Fielder- CHUBSY!!! The name sake of this blog is awesome. I am pretty sure he has a clause in his contract for receiving a ham every time he gets up to the plate. A little history for you. He had a mohawk the last month of the season. Hense the name, "Chubber Lang."

JJ Hardy- Did you notice that he out hit Miguel Tejada last year? No??? You were too busy getting lost in his eyes. He is dreamy... In a completely non gay way.

Hernan Irrabaren- He's like Escobar, except Hernan will be the next Royce Clayton as opposed to Neifi Perez, and that might be useful if we were the Washington Nationals or another team looking to tread water.

Brad Nelson- The only good thing I can really say about him is that his Birthday is in a week. Happy early Birthday trade throw in.

Vinny Rotinno- You know this guy has a connected uncle. Maybe thats why he's on the roster. I just don't feel good about guys who collect jock straps.

Rickie Weeks- Let's hope this is his break out year, because thats what we've been saying for the past 2 years. I'm calling it now. This year he'll break out. Mostly because of a Kardashian sister fling.

Coming Soon: The Coaching staff including Nedly.